Man... Let me tell you, if I were to convey all my rants and depressing life source here, this can be a badly-written, award-winning movie, featuring my sad life and me.
It seems that, once again, I've successfully neglected this blog again. Oh man, why are you so good at these stuff? If I were to get paid, I'd be a millionaire by now. Heck, I'd be a bazillionaire.This blog is like a soul partner that is so loyal to me, it can stay
neglected and wait for my return, and pour all my negativity onto it. I just couldn't find that inspiration to write frequently I guess. I'd really like to be able to write and probably make a living out of it, but my procrastination and laziness got the better part of me.
*wanders off to procrastinate more*
Anyway, this is going to be short. I don't have much to rant except for insufficient funds to do what I want.
I have been thinking lately ever since I got into the better part of photography and having some people recognizing my works. I've been thinking about my future, what and how is it going to be for me. You see, I am currently studying a Games Design course. In the industry, you can't straight jump into that position unless you have about 2-3 years experience of shitting out games. I, for one, do not specialize in any technical skills or whatsoever. I can't draw, I can't code. Those are the either two essential skills. So what's left for me? I'm not good in writing stories, I'm not good with designing levels. This is one problem for me, I don't like to interact with programs. More like I don't like to learn new programs because I think they're a hassle and it's troublesome.
Oh god, I can feel my grammar dying while writing this post. It has been awhile indeed.
I also felt that my creative side is dying as well. I used to be able to write better English. I can't even come up with something deep now like how I could. I always want to find the easy way out. This is not looking good for me. This is DEFINITELY not looking good for me. My parents keep telling me what am I going to do for my future. I just told them white lies in reply. I don't know for myself either. My mind keep changing. I want to go into photography full-time. And just now, only a few hours ago, I have a hunch that hospitality is for me. Like WTF man? You're 22 now. You're about to finish that one degree that has almost no use and you're thinking of switching courses? You might as well go sweep floors by the roadside. Become a community worker. You don't have to think so much about your future. You just sweep floors. EASY.
My mom said that there will be a family meeting next month. This is not a common scene. I don't think my mom ever call for a family meeting before. I wonder what is going to happen. Should I be prepared for it? Honestly, I'm kinda scared. Never before this happen. I guess shit is about to get real.
Stay fly boy.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Insanity Log #2: Latency
Hello blog. Looks like it has been awhile. I know I said I tried, but I guess I didn't even thought of trying. Not until now. I guess when I look back at this many years later into the future, perhaps it would provide me some self-entertainment as to how silly I am now. I guess my setback can be referred as a HUGE LAG. Oh what a joke.
A year has passed since my last blog post. I realize I blog when I have affairs of the heart. A year has passed, even the Blogger's layout has changed. I never knew it was associated with Google. I am THAT outdated. I guess Google decided to spend their virtually unlimited money on everything. I read they're even paying their deceased employee's family salary as compensation and also provide privileges to LGBT. Maybe they'll be the Umbrella Corps when they go into bio-chemical medicine thingy.
Anyway, it has been approximately day 7. I have no idea what is she doing or thinking. We had an argument about the most trivial stuff. But I guess as tensions build up over the years, you just could not tolerate each other any more no matter how passionate you are towards each other. I am, however, proud of myself that I have yet to explode. I am quite surprise, really. With all the crap thrown at me, and myself stepping on landmines like a blind fuck, I am actually handling quite well. I guess its the fact that I have no one to turn to. Whereas she have her BFFs to. I find it pretty unfair the fact that men are suppose to be stone cold killers and have to remain their composure so they don't look weak in front of the others, and females can be the other way round. I think that is why I don't have anyone I can call an actual bro. She can just go weak and any guy can be there for her.
I have mixed feelings about this relationship. It felt like I am figuratively split into half; the euphoric side and the "dark" side. Its like basically how people tend to have two sides that kind of thing. My euphoric side reminds me of all the happy times I have with her, all the way back to when we first met. But my dark side, however, reminds me of all those shit I have to put up with her. Come to think of it, I have no idea how the fuck did I put up with all that. The only explanation I can think of now is because she is the first girl that I have an actual, serious relationship with. One that actually loves me sincerely. But her alter ego is a drama queen, literally. She can make the smallest issue seem like its the end of the world. Not to mention there is a mix of her arrogance too. And being her first boyfriend in her whole entire life does not help at all. She is very much influenced by the western media; how a relationship should be like, how guys should act in situations, chivalry. I mean, I'm not saying I'm not chivalrous. I still open and hold doors for women and old people unconsciously. It felt like a must for me. How hard can holding the door be? Unless you are disabled in anyway, it is almost effortless.
Ever since the Asaban event started, I can't help but to shake that damn feeling off; that thought where she would fall for someone behind me. That's how we all started according to her, during Ichibanzai. But then again, I thought to myself, that if it ever happens, its for the best to the both of us. And good luck to that guy. I'm pretty sure that he won't be putting up as much as I have to. But then again, I think I am one of the few rare guys with unbelievably ample amount of patience juice. Its either they regenerate fast or they never seem to run out.
I am in Day 8 now as I write this. Life has never been this stressful. Maybe because I am used to taking the easy road. I think I must've been a pretty carefree dude. I am starting to discover my creative side through photography. Every time I take pictures that are satisfactory to me, I feel as if a rush of endorphins running through my veins. I feel happy, contented, satisfied for that one fraction of a second. I yearn for more, but financial restriction is a major cockblock. I guess I'll have to start walking the hard road. Nothing comes easy in this world anymore, especially not for my age.
I guess I won't be writing much any more, not for the time being I guess. But if I do, maybe this place would be a retreat for me. I no longer have that crave for games any more. That effect wears off faster than usual. Gaming away my sorrows doesn't work for me now. I will have to find another way to stay cool. I'm gonna see what photography can do for me. Maybe it will bring me to greater lengths than anything that I've ever done.
Until then.....
A year has passed since my last blog post. I realize I blog when I have affairs of the heart. A year has passed, even the Blogger's layout has changed. I never knew it was associated with Google. I am THAT outdated. I guess Google decided to spend their virtually unlimited money on everything. I read they're even paying their deceased employee's family salary as compensation and also provide privileges to LGBT. Maybe they'll be the Umbrella Corps when they go into bio-chemical medicine thingy.
Anyway, it has been approximately day 7. I have no idea what is she doing or thinking. We had an argument about the most trivial stuff. But I guess as tensions build up over the years, you just could not tolerate each other any more no matter how passionate you are towards each other. I am, however, proud of myself that I have yet to explode. I am quite surprise, really. With all the crap thrown at me, and myself stepping on landmines like a blind fuck, I am actually handling quite well. I guess its the fact that I have no one to turn to. Whereas she have her BFFs to. I find it pretty unfair the fact that men are suppose to be stone cold killers and have to remain their composure so they don't look weak in front of the others, and females can be the other way round. I think that is why I don't have anyone I can call an actual bro. She can just go weak and any guy can be there for her.
I have mixed feelings about this relationship. It felt like I am figuratively split into half; the euphoric side and the "dark" side. Its like basically how people tend to have two sides that kind of thing. My euphoric side reminds me of all the happy times I have with her, all the way back to when we first met. But my dark side, however, reminds me of all those shit I have to put up with her. Come to think of it, I have no idea how the fuck did I put up with all that. The only explanation I can think of now is because she is the first girl that I have an actual, serious relationship with. One that actually loves me sincerely. But her alter ego is a drama queen, literally. She can make the smallest issue seem like its the end of the world. Not to mention there is a mix of her arrogance too. And being her first boyfriend in her whole entire life does not help at all. She is very much influenced by the western media; how a relationship should be like, how guys should act in situations, chivalry. I mean, I'm not saying I'm not chivalrous. I still open and hold doors for women and old people unconsciously. It felt like a must for me. How hard can holding the door be? Unless you are disabled in anyway, it is almost effortless.
Ever since the Asaban event started, I can't help but to shake that damn feeling off; that thought where she would fall for someone behind me. That's how we all started according to her, during Ichibanzai. But then again, I thought to myself, that if it ever happens, its for the best to the both of us. And good luck to that guy. I'm pretty sure that he won't be putting up as much as I have to. But then again, I think I am one of the few rare guys with unbelievably ample amount of patience juice. Its either they regenerate fast or they never seem to run out.
I am in Day 8 now as I write this. Life has never been this stressful. Maybe because I am used to taking the easy road. I think I must've been a pretty carefree dude. I am starting to discover my creative side through photography. Every time I take pictures that are satisfactory to me, I feel as if a rush of endorphins running through my veins. I feel happy, contented, satisfied for that one fraction of a second. I yearn for more, but financial restriction is a major cockblock. I guess I'll have to start walking the hard road. Nothing comes easy in this world anymore, especially not for my age.
I guess I won't be writing much any more, not for the time being I guess. But if I do, maybe this place would be a retreat for me. I no longer have that crave for games any more. That effect wears off faster than usual. Gaming away my sorrows doesn't work for me now. I will have to find another way to stay cool. I'm gonna see what photography can do for me. Maybe it will bring me to greater lengths than anything that I've ever done.
Until then.....
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