Insanity Log #4: The Bump

Here I am again. 

It is 3.40am now as I am writing this. My emotions are in a train wreck. I don't know what else to feel anymore. Stress? Anger? Pain? Depression? No. I'm way beyond that. It is so confusing that I cannot even comprehend it properly. I'm pretty sure this would make up 70% of the reason why I'm dead. I wonder if they could find this blog. Heck, I wonder if anyone could even find this. 

I got into a fight with her again. But this time, it's on a whole new level. None of us are even willing to give in anymore. I'm beginning the doubt the very being of this relationship; it's foundation. I guess we started off way too early. We weren't even friends for more than 3 months to begin with. It's just that chemistry we had, or in this case, what we used to have. 

I honestly don't even know what are we fighting about anymore. I don't know why I can't care and treat her like how I used to. Is it because of the past? I don't know. But what I do know is that this is less likely a happy ending. 

Unlike most of the boyfriends, I occasionally stalk her Facebook chatlogs, especially when there is an argument going on between us. I like to know what is she feels and what she thinks about the situation. I like to have as much information as I can gather so I can see further. I guess it must have be a habit from all those strategy games I've played. But recent events of her having whatsapp and viber has rendered my information sources limited. 

That does not matter, though. 

I came across a chat earlier with her friend. Apparently, she had a dream with his guy, and they kissed. Well, big deal.  But what follows after that baffles me. It hit me so hard, I felt my inner strength dissipates. Poof, vanished. Her conversation with her friend dictates that even though that guy kissed her in real life, she wouldn't even mind. In fact, she said it would felt good. Now, I'm all okay if it's just a dream. Everybody has wet dreams, I'm sure of it. Dreams are not something we can control of. It is sometimes made up of scenes we want it to happen because we are emotionally hurt. It serves as a recuperating centre for our mental health. But when it you let it fuck with you in real life, that's a whole different ball game. I'm not into netorareism. 

Her insisting words made me uncomfortable, hence, this blog. This will be a test of her loyalty. But if she chose him over me, I guess I cannot complain either as well. I haven't been treating her as good as I should be, nor she has been to me either. I've got no one else to blame but me anyway. Not like I have the looks or the intelligence, or even the money and the charisma to match with whoever anyway. 

I just hope if the judgement has to be made, at least let me die a painless death. 

Till then, stay fly. 

Insanity Log #3: Of Crossroads, Decisions, and Revival(?)

Man... Let me tell you, if I were to convey all my rants and depressing life source here, this can be a badly-written, award-winning movie, featuring my sad life and me.

It seems that, once again, I've successfully neglected this blog again. Oh man, why are you so good at these stuff? If I were to get paid, I'd be a millionaire by now. Heck, I'd be a bazillionaire.This blog is like a soul partner that is so loyal to me, it can stay neglected and wait for my return, and pour all my negativity onto it. I just couldn't find that inspiration to write frequently I guess. I'd really like to be able to write and probably make a living out of it, but my procrastination and laziness got the better part of me.

*wanders off to procrastinate more*

Anyway, this is going to be short. I don't have much to rant except for insufficient funds to do what I want.

I have been thinking lately ever since I got into the better part of photography and having some people recognizing my works. I've been thinking about my future, what and how is it going to be for me. You see, I am currently studying a Games Design course. In the industry, you can't straight jump into that position unless you have about 2-3 years experience of shitting out games. I, for one, do not specialize in any technical skills or whatsoever. I can't draw, I can't code. Those are the either two essential skills. So what's left for me? I'm not good in writing stories, I'm not good with designing levels. This is one problem for me, I don't like to interact with programs. More like I don't like to learn new programs because I think they're a hassle and it's troublesome.

Oh god, I can feel my grammar dying while writing this post. It has been awhile indeed.

I also felt that my creative side is dying as well. I used to be able to write better English. I can't even come up with something deep now like how I could. I always want to find the easy way out. This is not looking good for me. This is DEFINITELY not looking good for me. My parents keep telling me what am I going to do for my future. I just told them white lies in reply. I don't know for myself either. My mind keep changing. I want to go into photography full-time. And just now, only a few hours ago, I have a hunch that hospitality is for me. Like WTF man? You're 22 now. You're about to finish that one degree that has almost no use and you're thinking of switching courses? You might as well go sweep floors by the roadside. Become a community worker. You don't have to think so much about your future. You just sweep floors. EASY.

My mom said that there will be a family meeting next month. This is not a common scene. I don't think my mom ever call for a family meeting before. I wonder what is going to happen. Should I be prepared for it? Honestly, I'm kinda scared. Never before this happen. I guess shit is about to get real.

Stay fly boy.

Insanity Log #2: Latency

Hello blog. Looks like it has been awhile. I know I said I tried, but I guess I didn't even thought of trying. Not until now. I guess when I look back at this many years later into the future, perhaps it would provide me some self-entertainment as to how silly I am now. I guess my setback can be referred as a HUGE LAG. Oh what a joke.

A year has passed since my last blog post. I realize I blog when I have affairs of the heart. A year has passed, even the Blogger's layout has changed. I never knew it was associated with Google. I am THAT outdated. I guess Google decided to spend their virtually unlimited money on everything. I read they're even paying their deceased employee's family salary as compensation and also provide privileges to LGBT. Maybe they'll be the Umbrella Corps when they go into bio-chemical medicine thingy. 

Anyway, it has been approximately day 7. I have no idea what is she doing or thinking. We had an argument about the most trivial stuff. But I guess as tensions build up over the years, you just could not tolerate each other any more no matter how passionate you are towards each other. I am, however, proud of myself that I have yet to explode. I am quite surprise, really. With all the crap thrown at me, and myself stepping on landmines like a blind fuck, I am actually handling quite well. I guess its the fact that I have no one to turn to. Whereas she have her BFFs to. I find it pretty unfair the fact that men are suppose to be stone cold killers and have to remain their composure so they don't look weak in front of the others, and females can be the other way round. I think that is why I don't have anyone I can call an actual bro. She can just go weak and any guy can be there for her.

I have mixed feelings about this relationship. It felt like I am figuratively split into half; the euphoric side and the "dark" side. Its like basically how people tend to have two sides that kind of thing. My euphoric side reminds me of all the happy times I have with her, all the way back to when we first met. But my dark side, however, reminds me of all those shit I have to put up with her. Come to think of it, I have no idea how the fuck did I put up with all that.  The only explanation I can think of now is because she is the first girl that I have an actual, serious relationship with. One that actually loves me sincerely. But her alter ego is a drama queen, literally. She can make the smallest issue seem like its the end of the world. Not to mention there is a mix of her arrogance too. And being her first boyfriend in her whole entire life does not help at all. She is very much influenced by the western media; how a relationship should be like, how guys should act in situations, chivalry. I mean, I'm not saying I'm not chivalrous. I still open and hold doors for women and old people unconsciously. It felt like a must for me. How hard can holding the door be? Unless you are disabled in anyway, it is almost effortless.

Ever since the Asaban event started, I can't help but to shake that damn feeling off; that thought where she would fall for someone behind me. That's how we all started according to her, during Ichibanzai. But then again, I thought to myself, that if it ever happens, its for the best to the both of us. And good luck to that guy. I'm pretty sure that he won't be putting up as much as I have to. But then again, I think I am one of the few rare guys with unbelievably ample amount of patience juice. Its either they regenerate fast or they never seem to run out. 

I am in Day 8 now as I write this. Life has never been this stressful. Maybe because I am used to taking the easy road. I think I must've been a pretty carefree dude. I am starting to discover my creative side through photography. Every time I take pictures that are satisfactory to me, I feel as if a rush of endorphins running through my veins. I feel happy, contented, satisfied for that one fraction of a second. I yearn for more, but financial restriction is a major cockblock. I guess I'll have to start walking the hard road. Nothing comes easy in this world anymore, especially not for my age. 

I guess I won't be writing much any more, not for the time being I guess. But if I do, maybe this place would be a retreat for me. I no longer have that crave for games any more. That effect wears off faster than usual. Gaming away my sorrows doesn't work for me now. I will have to find another way to stay cool. I'm gonna see what photography can do for me. Maybe it will bring me to greater lengths than anything that I've ever done.

Until then.....

Insanity Log #1: Insane Procrastination

Hi guys (and gals), the reason I created this blog is to keep me sane. Though they say sane people are very rare (which is true). Anyway, this blog might die half way because of my uber procrastinating skills and the lack of motivation. BUT, I will try to keep this alive. I know I've said this many times to myself. Looking at myself and my past, I've never really achieved anything significant. Come to think of it, I NEVER achieved anything. Almost everything went down the drain midway. And I cant find myself to improve in anything. As if there is a cap in my performance. Yes I can adapt but I cannot be a master. I have a wide knowledge but I don't know much about one thing. I just know it exists, but don't know much about it.

In this blog, there will be a lot of rants. So if you're somewhat short-tempered or arrogant or just a plain hater who hates everything that ever existed I suggest you freaking leave and get a life. I do not wish to have any of you rant about me, though I do accept CONSTRUCTIVE ADVISES (note the bold).

Oh hold on, mom calling for lunch. Brb....

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"As I look out from the window, I notice, the first delicate snow falls...." LOL I'm just kidding! Mom cooked spaghetti. Heavenly as usual. Nothing beats mom's cooking.

Weather right now is overcast, albeit the scorching temperature.

Alright, back to the topic.

Recently I've been reflecting myself unconsciously. It is as if the motivation part of me is acting up. It is point out all them flaws that I have. And boy, I sure have a lot of them. Part of the reason why I started this blog is to keep track of what I have achieved. Keeping the blog alive is an achievement for myself too. I never had a blog that lasted for a year, not that I remembered of.

What I hope to achieve is not only to keep this blog alive, but to also improve in my writing skills and my understanding to the vast command of the English vocabulary. As a Game Designer, one must have control of his/her words so they will prevail in accurately describing the gameplay and the mechanics of the game. Its like bringing a game to life with only words.

Almost 7 months ago, I enrolled myself into Murdoch University undergoing Bachelor of Science & Information Technology. To be exact, I'm going to major myself in Degree in Game Software Production and Design. Which is exactly what I wanted to do, since I'm not good in programming or drawing. My understanding is only that much. All I want to do is to lead a team and make a game. It doesn't have to be a large scale with OVER 9000 people. Just a ground of 15 people would do. Starting small is safer. Though dare to dream would bring you further they say. I'm dreaming, and reliving my dream. I have ample ideas to be brought out to the world to see. I'm not afraid of people criticizing my game. It just gives me the motivation and foresight to understand what gamer wants. Its almost impossible to make a game that monopolizes the gaming industry; the game that everyone of all ages and interest plays. Though its a possibility, when there is a will, there is a way. But where is my will? I don't know. So far no game has gone that far catching everyone's interest.

Preparation and registration is easy. Dealing with procrastination is the hard part. Having to say "I'll do it later." every single time doesn't solve anything. It'll just drag and drag and drag. It dragged me till now, I've just submitted my visa application in roughly about 3 weeks ago. I had the application for 3 months. See what procrastination can do to you, especially when you let it win? I procrastinated to a point where I think my parents sees me as unreliable. I don't know what is causing all these crazy procrastination skills to develop, but I definitely need to kill it. I just wish there is a skill reset thingy where you can just reset your daily abilities and pump it into one.

Even at work I procrastinated. I had so much time to finish up my proposal and my game design document. Though I'm a one-man team where I need to figure out what to write about the marketing part, the technical part, the contents, graphics, sounds, and mechanics, at least my colleagues are awesome. I guess without them, I'd give up half way and just leave the company like how I did to Starbucks. I kinda miss them now. I miss the Starbucks experience. My store manager is awesome. Her favorite quote, "Once a Buck, always a Buck.". I still remember my employee number: 09816. Although its not the awesome-st number, but its forever mine.

Its December now. I have around 8 items to finish in my Proposal cum Game Design Document. Mostly graphic part and touching up on some of the contents. My supervisor noted me on the legal part of the thing. He bring up the possibilities about the company using my idea and about the royalty of the whole project. My idea is if they are able to do it, consider it as a gift from me to them. At least they'll remember "It's that intern we had last time that made us successful today."

In 2 months, I'll be over at Perth, Australia. I have to admit that I am afraid of what I might encounter and what people think of me. I heard there are a lot of Malaysian Chinese over there. I'm just not sure. What if Chinese people are made slaves over there? Or treated unequal? What if my classmates hates me for being Asian or some other ridiculous reasons? What if this stupid procrastination skill follows me there too? Will I be able to cope the pressure there? I'll definitely feel homesick. I'll definitely miss everyone here, especially my one and only loving fiancée-to-be. What if I let my parents down again?

Speaking of letting my parents down, I really wish that wouldn't happen. My sister told me that our family owes a certain bank a huge sum of money; totalling around RM300k. And now my parents are sending me to one of the most prestigious universities around, with the living cost 3 times in Malaysia. Pressure is all on me. If I fail, I doubt I'll have any dignity as a son to face my parents. They have brought me up, fulfilling my wishes and wants, showered me with their incomparable parental love. They always told compared me to my cousins who excel in their studies and further abroad under scholarships. Its obvious my parents wants me to be like them and make them proud. That is why I have to ditch my procrastination side, or rather replace it with motivation and the thought of not giving up so easily on stuff that I'm bad at. Practice makes perfect. Even if I cannot achieve perfection, I want to go near it. I want to feel the power aura that it emits. I want to be at least noticeable. I want bragging rights.

I guess I'll stop here for today. Lets see how far can I go. Maybe one day all these blog posts can be published as a book! :P Just a thought.