It is 3.40am now as I am writing this. My emotions are in a train wreck. I don't know what else to feel anymore. Stress? Anger? Pain? Depression? No. I'm way beyond that. It is so confusing that I cannot even comprehend it properly. I'm pretty sure this would make up 70% of the reason why I'm dead. I wonder if they could find this blog. Heck, I wonder if anyone could even find this.
I got into a fight with her again. But this time, it's on a whole new level. None of us are even willing to give in anymore. I'm beginning the doubt the very being of this relationship; it's foundation. I guess we started off way too early. We weren't even friends for more than 3 months to begin with. It's just that chemistry we had, or in this case, what we used to have.
I honestly don't even know what are we fighting about anymore. I don't know why I can't care and treat her like how I used to. Is it because of the past? I don't know. But what I do know is that this is less likely a happy ending.
Unlike most of the boyfriends, I occasionally stalk her Facebook chatlogs, especially when there is an argument going on between us. I like to know what is she feels and what she thinks about the situation. I like to have as much information as I can gather so I can see further. I guess it must have be a habit from all those strategy games I've played. But recent events of her having whatsapp and viber has rendered my information sources limited.
That does not matter, though.
I came across a chat earlier with her friend. Apparently, she had a dream with his guy, and they kissed. Well, big deal. But what follows after that baffles me. It hit me so hard, I felt my inner strength dissipates. Poof, vanished. Her conversation with her friend dictates that even though that guy kissed her in real life, she wouldn't even mind. In fact, she said it would felt good. Now, I'm all okay if it's just a dream. Everybody has wet dreams, I'm sure of it. Dreams are not something we can control of. It is sometimes made up of scenes we want it to happen because we are emotionally hurt. It serves as a recuperating centre for our mental health. But when it you let it fuck with you in real life, that's a whole different ball game. I'm not into netorareism.
Her insisting words made me uncomfortable, hence, this blog. This will be a test of her loyalty. But if she chose him over me, I guess I cannot complain either as well. I haven't been treating her as good as I should be, nor she has been to me either. I've got no one else to blame but me anyway. Not like I have the looks or the intelligence, or even the money and the charisma to match with whoever anyway.
I just hope if the judgement has to be made, at least let me die a painless death.
Till then, stay fly.
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